Tangled
Last month I set out to create a blog to hold my thoughts and reflections on life and what the Lord has been teaching me. I am not sure what it will turn into, but since my first post got such positive feedback about being helpful and encouraging, I am going to write more. My prayer is that the Lord will speak to you through how He has been working in me.
Three years ago I wrote down my reflections of what happened on December 22, 2020. I thought I would share this here as God has recently had me looking back on that day and the subsequent years since.
Today my princess cut all her hair off.
I was on my way into work and got a call from my wife hysterically crying… ”It's all gone...she cut it all off...she looks like a boy”...so I flipped the car around to go home and assess the damage and help.
I wasn’t ready...which sounds weird...it's just hair. It will grow back.
I opened the door to Brittany standing there in tears again saying, “It’s so bad Josh”...
I asked Brittany where she was and she said that she had put her in the shower to get her cleaned up.
I walked into the bathroom to see my beautiful baby girl, three weeks before her 4th birthday, sitting on the shower floor slumped over letting the water run on her little bowl cut head. I lost it. I started sobbing.
I jumped in the shower with her, quickly sat down and held her. “I love you baby. It is going to be okay. What happened? Why did you cut your hair?”
Her answer was simple… “I cut my hair short, no more tangles”
As we got out of the shower, Selah was doing okay, not really understanding why mommy and daddy were so upset.
Walking into the living room I sat down with Brittany and told her it could be so much worse. She could have really hurt herself. She is healthy, she is alive and... it is just hair after all, it will grow back.
Brittany took the reins, called her hair dresser and got Selah scheduled to get her fixed up.
While I said the right words out loud, I was shook on the inside and couldn’t hold it together anymore. The tears started flowing again, and wouldn’t stop for longer than I want to admit.
But why? It really is just hair, it really will grow back.
Was I upset that Selah looked slightly different now?
Was it that I loved her long hair?
Was it thinking about how long it would take to grow back?
Was it that we started learning how to cut a few weeks ago and I feel guilty about that?
Was it immediate fear that people would think my little girl is a boy?
Was it fear that she would be made fun of at daycare?
Was it the pain in Brittany’s face and voice when I got home?
Was it seeing the mound of hair in the trash can?
Probably a little of all of that in the moment. But as I sit here and reflect on today it is something entirely different…
It is really the moment I walked around the corner to see my baby’s face while on the floor of the shower. Her face was down and sad. Her body language knowing she had done something wrong. And while that crushes this daddy, my continued tears run deeper...
I’m in tears because I am her.
God, in his goodness, has entrusted me with gifts, responsibilities, and freedoms. I don't steward the gifts well, drop responsibilities, and take advantage of the freedoms. This puts me in that downtrodden and defeated slump of depression feeling like a failure.
In my failure beauty is found in His response.
That is the realization I had today. I jumped in the shower with Selah to hold her and tell here I love her and that is EXACTLY what my heavenly Father does with me. He jumps into the mess I made, holds me and says, "I love you. It is going to be okay son, I am here."
What I learned from Selah today was how to receive that love anew. She let us hug her. She let us restore her confidence. She let us encourage her heart. She let us love her.
In John 15:2 Jesus says, “...Every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” The pruning we experience in life hurts, but it is for God’s glory and for our good. I notice in this verse that God does the pruning...not me. Trust me, it is better that way. He knows what needs to be cut away. He doesn’t cut away to harm us, but SO THAT we can bear MORE fruit.
Too often, I try to cut out my own tangles. I try to prune my own life with my own perspective in my own timing. And when I make a bigger mess, which ultimately hurts worse and will take longer to correct, I sit in the guilt, shame, and defeat not realizing Jesus is jumping into my mess and holding me. Telling me, I love you. It is going to be okay. I’m here and will always be here! Let me do the pruning next time. Give me control of the scissors. I am producing in you something that is more beautiful than you can ever imagine!
The truth is that 2000 years ago Jesus left his throne and jumped into the mess of this world so that we would have the opportunity to be held by Him! Just a few days before we celebrate His birth I have been reminded in a weird way why He came. He came because He loves us. He came because He could do what we couldn’t. He came so that we may experience true life in Him...life to fullest. Leave the guilt, shame and defeat of the mess you have made behind...embrace the redeeming life Jesus offers.
Trust Him with the scissors.
